Suicide Pacts forming in Youth Social Media Groups – Discord Reddit TikTok w/ John Anthony

➡ The article discusses the tragic suicide of a teenager, influenced by a Netflix show and a song about suicide. The author, a former cop, also promotes a product called Blood Flow 7, which improves blood flow and helps with energy, brain fog, and anti-aging. The article then shifts to a radio show host, John Anthony, who shares his personal experience with suicide after his son took his own life in 2021. John has written a book, “Letters to John Boy,” to help others dealing with similar grief and to raise awareness about the increasing suicide rates among young people, particularly boys.
➡ A father recounts the tragic story of his son’s suicide, which was influenced by a suicide pact on a Discord group. The son, who was once full of life, was deeply affected by the lockdown measures during COVID-19, leading to his mental health decline. The father, now dealing with the unbearable pain of losing a child, has written a book to help others process their grief. The book, “Letters to Jumbo,” is a collection of letters from the father to his son, and includes advice and prayers for other grieving parents.
➡ A parent discusses the impact of a Netflix show and a song on YouTube that seem to glorify suicide, which he believes influenced his son’s decision to take his own life. He also talks about his own struggles, including his separation from his wife following their son’s death, and the comfort he finds in connecting with other parents who have lost children to suicide. He emphasizes the importance of open communication and support in these difficult times.
➡ A father shares his heart-wrenching experience of losing his son to suicide in a letter, expressing the pain, guilt, and emptiness he feels. He talks about his book, which he wrote to help others dealing with similar situations, offering insights on signs to look for and how to cope. He gives away two copies of his book for every one sold, hoping to reach as many people as possible. His goal is not to make money, but to save lives and provide comfort to those left behind.
➡ The speaker shares their experiences as a former police officer, author, and radio host. They discuss the impact of their book on readers, their disillusionment with politics, and their efforts to foster open conversations on their radio show. They also express concern about the negative effects of social media and the current political climate on mental health, particularly among young people. The speaker emphasizes the importance of respectful dialogue and solution-oriented discussions to address these issues.
➡ The speaker discusses the importance of facing challenges and finding solutions, rather than just complaining. They share their personal journey from a difficult childhood to finding a mentor who made them feel valued. They also express concern about the current state of their city and the need for effective leadership. Finally, they talk about the healing power of family, particularly their grandson, and the importance of staying strong for their other children.
➡ The author has written a book about his son who committed suicide at 18, aiming to remember him for who he was, not the act he committed. The book, available on Amazon and the author’s website, Black and Right Radio, includes emotional letters from his son to each family member. The author uses his experience to raise awareness about suicide, especially among young people, and the impact it has on everyone. He also encourages understanding and compassion towards others, as we never know what burdens they carry.
➡ The speaker expresses gratitude and admiration for the person they’re talking to, acknowledging their strength and resilience. They also share their own commitment to inspire others to see beyond their current circumstances and realize life’s potential. The speaker appreciates the opportunity to share their story and praises the host for their amazing platform.

Sa Sam, did you see that Netflix special where these, these, they basically glorify suicide in teenagers? They made it. They just made it seem like it was okay in this movie. And he watched it twice right before he, he. You could tell he watched it. And then we saw. We went. Because I’m a former cop, I still, I did a deep dive into all of his stuff. But he listened to this song, and this song has a disclaimer because in the song he talks about committing suicide. And he listened to this song over 20 times. It gave him the courage, I believe, to finally pull the trigger.

I’m always looking for products that really help us as we age and make us feel better. So many of us are having suffering from energy brain fog. You know, we’re getting older, so we have issues, you know, that just come with age. And we’re taking all these supplements and we’re, you know, I’m always talking about peptides and things that make you feel better, give you more energy. And one of the overlooked areas is making sure that you have the blood flow to get the oxygen and nutrients to all the cells in your body and to your brain.

And there’s a product called blood flow 7 and it is amazing. It increases your nitric oxide by 230% and it opens up your arteries by 62%, which improves blood flow and it gets those nutrients into your cells. It helps with brain fog, it helps with energy, it helps with anti aging, it helps with maintaining a healthy heart. If you’re interested in this, go to blood flow7.com Sarah or use the link below. Welcome to business game changers. I’m Sarah Westall. This is a very different show than I’ve done in the past. I had John Anthony reach out to me.

I was on his show. He does the black and white radio show in Chicago in the mornings. And I was on his show and he reached back out to me to come on my show. He had a book that he wanted to promote. I’m like, sure, you know, I love this guy. And I learned it was about helping people through suicide. His son committed suicide back in 2021 during COVID when the schools were all locked down and his son was struggling. And he sent me a little clip and it was really hard for me to watch.

And I’ve never talked about this publicly, but I had a brother who also committed suicide. I was 15 and he was 14 and we grew up as twins. I was a baby. I was 18 months and he was nine months when he was adopted. And we developed our own little language and things. And we were really, really close and it was unusual. He was adopted from Korea. So I had this little blonde haired. I’m going to show a picture of us and you can see us. I was this little blonde haired girl and he was this little boy from Korea and we grew up as twins and he died when I was 15 and he was 14.

Very much the same way as the story that you’re going to hear today. When he reached out to me, I just knew I needed to do this. This was the right thing to do. And he is on a mission to save people from the same experience. And we talk about his personal story and what his son was going through and what he is going through as a father and what his daughters, he has five daughters, if you can believe that, and what they’re going through and his wife and him. And it’s a, it’s a tragedy, but a story of hope.

And he’s on a mission because we have so many kids right now, especially young boys. The young girls are struggling too. There’s more girls on antidepressants than the boys are. But the boys are struggling in silence. They aren’t as likely to go and get help and they’re just struggling. Our children are struggling and the suicide rates are increasing. And a lot of it has to do with social media. We talk about grooming kids to be transgenders where they’re also grooming kids to be mentally unhealthy and to have issues with suicide and depression. And we talk about that during the show.

This is an important show. I hope you share this with people, your loved ones. He has a book out right now called Letters to John Boy and every book that he sells he’s able to give two away. He’s on a mission to share this with as many people as possible. And he doesn’t care if he makes money. He cares more that this gets in the hands of the people who need it. And let me read you a little bit about this is from the book. First of all, he John Anthony, just to give you a background of him.

John Anthony is the host of the Black and white radio on AM560 Saturday from 4 to 7 and Detroit’s Morning Answer on 92.7 FM weekdays from 6 to 8. That was the, the show that I was on. Been on his show multiple times. And the book that this is a summary of the book. On November 8, 2021, John Anthony’s life was absolutely shattered when his only son, John Wesley Christian Anthony died by suicide in the quiet that followed, the kind of silence only grief can bring, John picked up a pen and began writing letters. Not just to mourn, but to remember.

Not to explain, but to feel. Not to forget, but to love. Letters to John Boy is a raw, deeply personal collection of letters from a father to his beloved son. Through each page, John shares pain, memories, questions, and the kind of love that doesn’t end with death. These letters are not filled with answers, but with presence. They’re echoes of a broken heart still beating, still believing, and still hoping. This book is for the grieving parent who doesn’t know how to say it out loud. For the sibling who kept breathing, for the friend who never saw the signs.

For the one who needs to know they’re not alone and that it’s okay not to be okay. Whether you’ve experienced loss or walking alongside someone who has, Letters to John Boy is a companion in the dark, a voice for the silent and a tribute to the life that mattered. Okay, here’s my interview with John Anthony. Hi, John, welcome to the program. Hi, Sarah, how you doing? I’m good. And this is going to be a tough one today for me. And I know you’re a trooper. You’ve been doing this. Now. This is the first time I’ve talked about this subject publicly, so for me it’s.

It’s going to be a little harder. As you know, that I’ve shared with you before we got on this, that I lost a brother the exact same way that you lost your son when I was 18. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so leaves a guard on it. Well, you’re two years into this. I’m almost 30 years into it. And it’s like yesterday when you think about it. And it never goes away. You don’t get over it. You learn to live with it. Yeah. And it’s an ache. There’s an eight that. I mean, I wake up sometimes thinking it was all a dream and.

But it wasn’t. And you. I mean, it just every time I do these, each host brings something different out of me from the interview. And it’s just. Can you imagine losing. And it’s my son. He was my only boy, my only son. I have girls, but he was my only son. And it’s just been one of the greatest heartaches a person could ever go through, you know? I do know. Yes. And how many daughters do you have? I have five girls. Five? Wow. Yeah. I’m one of three girls. And then my brother. Yeah, I have a 23, 19 12, and two 8 year old twin girls.

Oh wow. Two 8 year olds. Yes, that’s wonderful. How, how old was your son when he died? 18. I’m sorry, what? He was 18 years old. Can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you. I just said for a second. The, how did your daughters take it? Oh, my 19 year old was one of the people that discovered the body. We, we were, we were fast asleep. Let me, I’ll tell you the story, how it all went down. We were, I had just come back from an event because I do radio in Chicago and our station had just had an event and I came back that Sunday and some, something I didn’t feel right as I.

Because we were supposed to drive my now 23 year old back to school and I couldn’t do it because I was just completely drained, my blood pressure had risen and I said hey, I can’t do it. And so my wife and girls took me back home and told my son, hey, you got to drive. He was really upset about it. And so by the time they get back, I was sleeping and then we woke up and then right around 8 o’ clock at night, 8:30 at night, we were all hungry and we told him, he said, we said hey, we need to get something to eat.

He says, I’ll go. Looking back now, you know they talk about that peace that they get when they, when the individual knows they’re going to commit suicide and carry out the act. You saw that peace over him. I mean, and I should have picked it up. I’m a former cop, I’ve been in so many suicide calls and I should have picked it up but I was just so out of it. So he goes back, he goes and get us food, he comes back and then right around we all thought, we all eat our food, we all fall asleep.

Right around, oh gosh, right around 9:30ish. And at about 10:00′, clock, 10:15, my line then she was 14 years. 14? No, 15. No, this happened in 2001-2021. So it’s four years. Okay. Yeah, so she was, my 19 year old, was 15 at the time. Same age I was. Yep. Yeah. So she comes into our room, she goes, what was that sound? Well, there’s a picture that’s sitting right here. When it falls because it’s wooden floors, it makes a, you know, sound. So, and we’ve heard it many nights and we say I’ll go back to bed. It probably was the picture.

Well, at about 12ish midnight, a little bit after midnight, there’s a banging on our Door. I mean really just violent banging. And I’m come down and I’m just in my, you know, Stevies my underwear. Yeah, yeah. And I come down and it’s like, hey, it’s Juliet police. And they said, I said, okay. And she said, we’re looking for John Anthony. I said, well, I’m John Anthony. They go, no, you’re too old to be John Anthony. I said, oh, I got. He said, do you have a son or. I said, yeah, my son. Is he home? I said, I don’t know, he should be home.

So I turned to, by this time my wife and my 15 year old daughter had gotten up and he said, what’s going on? And the guy says, well, your son’s girlfriend called and said that he was talking crazy stuff. And so my, by that time my wife and my 15 year old walked to his bedroom door and the cop comes in and then they turn on the light switch. They let out the most. My 15 year old and my wife let out the most blood curling scream. And I still remember that. I remember the inflection of that screen to this day, that scream.

My mother did the same thing. So I know exactly what scream you’re talking about. You’ll never forget it. And it’s not something you hear often. Correct, Correct. And, and so then by that time, the Joliet police officer, he and I start running to the room and we get to the top of the landing, he pushes me to the side, I get back up and by that time I catch up with them. He has his flashlight out and that’s when I saw it. The brains are still oozing out and he had shot himself. I’ll tell you something though, if he had turned the gun a couple of millimeters, because the gun went, I mean the bullet, the, the round went through his laptop, I mean his computer, through a little bathroom into the laundry area.

But if he had turned in just a few millimeters, he probably would have shot one of my other daughters too. Wow. Who were sleeping in the room right next to. It’s his room, the bathroom, and then my girl’s room. If it hadn’t hit the computer and ricocheted off into the laundry room, it probably would have hit one of my daughters because their bed, their bed was right up against the wall. And I tell you, this was, I can’t even, I can’t even begin to explain. I, you know, somebody told me, you know, what do they call somebody that loses a husband? What do they call a husband that loses the wife? A widow? And widowed.

But what do they call some. A parent that loses a child. They have not defined or come up with a term to describe what it means to lose a child. And that’s one of the reasons why it’s the worst thing. Like there’s nothing. Yeah. I don’t know if there’s many things worse than that. Yeah. No. And one day after. I mean, this has been like when I tell you I felt like giving up so many times. And I can tell you this because I left it out of the book. But I. I can’t explain. I can’t expose what’s getting ready to happen.

But let’s just say somebody in Hollywood took notice of my book. That’s all I can say right now. Somebody in Hollywood, a screenwriter took notice of my book and contacted me. And so we’re going to be. I’ve had a few meetings with them and. But how I came to write the book. I was laying down one day and I was just. Because the constant ache of knowing that your child is no longer with you is something that I live with every day. And one day something happened in. In my business life and just laying there and I said, I need to write this book.

I got to take the pain that I have here and help others process their own pain. And that’s how Letters to Jumbo was born. That’s how I was born. Just one day sitting, laying there. And what it is, is it’s a. It’s a collection of letters. I start from when he was born up until he died. And then I actually write letters that he would have written to his sisters to explain where he was. And after each letter I have a. I give an admonition to the parents or to anybody that’s reading it, a scripture and a prayer.

I call this my rescue mission. Do you? Because. Go ahead. I never. I don’t want any other parent to have to experience this pain. Nobody should have to experience this pain. But unfortunately we’re in a situation in this country where more people are feeling at the edge like this. Yes. Did you understand or come to grips with why your son felt the need to commit suicide? I’ll tell you what. We come to find out about a lot that was going on. He was part of a discord group where it’s a suicide pact where they all come together and they make a pact to commit suicide.

And if you’re not willing to do it, you get shamed into Was also during COVID It was when my son was the life of the party. Everywhere he Went. He brought life. He even. I’ve had one at the. At his homegoing. I had a few of his friends come up to me and say, well, he talked me out of committing suicide. So he was like the life of the party. And when Covid hit. If you know anything about Illinois, Illinois had the most stringent lockdown measures across this country. They couldn’t. He couldn’t play basketball. He played for the Bunuka basketball team.

He couldn’t play basketball. He couldn’t go out with his friends. He had girl problems. One of his girls. You know, it was just a. A multitude of things that came together. And he just. I had a friend say, who’s a doctor. Did you guys look to see if he had Covid psychosis? Because that was a thing that was going around. I had a friend who lost her husband from COVID psychosis, where he took. What is that? It was. It was something that happened to the brain when an individual who got Covid, he took bleach and just drank it all.

This was before President Trump said the inject. No, they lied and said. He said ingest bleach. This was before Trump said that. And he took bleach and just drank it because he thought he needed to cleanse himself. And he had Covid. He died from COVID And my friend, and when she brought that to me, I was like, never looked at it because we didn’t. There was no autopsy done because it was suicide. Wow. So, yeah, bleach, Bleach. I think they were referring to chlorine dioxide, which is not the same thing. Yeah. Which actually is a wonderful thing for Covid.

It was treatment, but so he did. Did you notice that his other friends. Now, the co. The ones on this Discord group, were they from his school or were they from just all around the country? Who were these? So, yeah, so they were. They were all around the country. But right after my son’s suicide, there was a string of three or four suicides that happened within our area. As, you know, kids, they know how to change their names. They disguise themselves on these groups. And we think that some of them were a part of this Discord group.

I mean, it was Discord. It was a couple of pages of Discord where they were. And he watched 13 times, twice throughout the whole thing. And he listened to this song, I think this rapper’s name is. He watched 13 times, twice. What does that mean? Did you see that Netflix special where these. These. They basically glorify suicide in teenagers? They made it. They just made it seem like it was okay in this movie. And he watched it twice right before he. You could tell he watched it. And then we saw. We went. Because I’m a former cop, I still.

I did a deep dive into all of his stuff. And then he listened to this song by Lucas Joyner. I. I wish I had my. My phone here. I can look it up. But he listened to this song, and this song has a disclaimer, because in the song he talks about committing suicide. And he listened to this song over 20 times. It gave him the courage, I believe, to finally pull the trigger. Because we saw that that was where the phone stopped. When we grabbed his phone, that video was paused because apparently he must have dropped the phone afterwards.

And he was sending messages to all of his friends, emptying out his bank account. I wish they had called me because all of his friends have his number at my number. I wish they’d called me and said, hey, something’s not right, because I’m in three rooms over. Maybe I would have been able to say, you know, social media is doing that to kids, too. And I have Eric meter on. He’s. He’s 26 now, but he experienced some weird things with social media where he was in a depressive, almost suicidal state at one point. And social media and his friend group were.

And they were showing them people dying and suicide and all over and over on social media. So the algorithms were set. Yes. To show them this crap. Yes. The name of that song was I’m sorry. I mean, when you hear it, the first half of the song, it’s all about, you know, how bad his life is. And then at the end of the. The first half of the song, there’s a gunshot that rings out. And then the second half of this song, he’s basically trying to talk about. Talk this guy out of suicide. And it. It was one of.

I’m telling you, to see that he listened to that song over 20 times. And each time, YouTube sent the message, do you need help? Here’s a The crisis suicide line. Each time we saw it, that. That disclaimer popped up each time that he listened to that song. Right. I don’t understand is that I’m banned and off of YouTube. You. I know you have a hard time getting on some of these. I lost my YouTube channel. Yeah, we both lost our YouTube channel. But they sure the heck aren’t taking songs like that down. No. Whether they should take it down or not, I’m not sure.

But they sure have a weird way of censoring, you know, what they’re censoring and what they’re allowing because this is causing people to. Young kids who can’t mentally handle it to. Just because they have some disclaimer. Yes, yes. So, yeah. So where are you mentally? I know you put this book together and I want to talk a little bit about it, but where are you now? Are you. Are you finding a strength through talking to other people and helping other people through this tragedy? Where am I? I’m still trying to locate where I’m at. I’m not going to.

There’s a part in the book when I say I write, you know, people say to me, how are you doing? And I’m like, I’m okay, but I’m not okay. You know, I’m still literally trying to locate myself. Radio gives me the outlet where I’m able to just. Just release myself from the strings of this world and just do something that I love. And writing is therapeutic. You have already written three more books that are. Two of them are already done. Wow. The third one I’m finalizing. Yeah. And I think the greatest thing that has been able to happen out of all of this because I love looking and finding silver linings in tragedy.

When I get a call at 2 o’ clock in the morning from a parent who’s desperate because their kid is in that place where they find myself or parent who found my book somehow and will call me and say thank you because I gave your book to my, my kid and they, they understood it. Because, you know, when you got kids, it’s. It’s hard. It’s hard to. To deal with life and sometimes you forget, I mean, you know, just how tough life can be sometimes. You get caught up in your own press and, and you miss a lot of things.

But, but one of the things that I did in writing this book, I did realize just how much stuff he and I did together. I did so many amazing things with this kid. He’s had a life. Because I grew up in a. In a house where my mom was a crack addict. I never knew who my dad was. I was homeless. I left my mom’s house when I was about 8 years old, and I bounced from house to house to house to house to house, wherever I can find myself to lay my head. And I dropped out of high school, went back and got my high school diploma, got my bachelor’s degree and became a cop and became a state legislator.

And now I’m doing radio. It’s been tough. Been. It’s been. Been really tough. I mean, really tough. I mean, it affected my marriage for nine months. Right after our son committed suicide for nine months, I was. My wife and I separated because we didn’t know, you know. Yep. It was tough. It was tough. Most marriages, I mean, they. They end in divorce. Are you guys back together? We. We’re working things out. Yeah. Yeah, we’re working it out. Well, she’s going through as much pain as you are. I mean, it’s really, really hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we found a suicide note, you know, and he had a suicide note.

What. What was it that it shared in there that, if you’re willing to share with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he. He talked about, you know, I guess one of his friends that fooled around with his girlfriend and. And he also talked about the home life was tough for him. At least in his mind, he thought it was tough. Well, my cockping surrounded with five girls. I mean, him. He and I talked about that all the time. Trust me, okay? We talked about that all the time. As far as having to get out and get away from the girls, and we did a lot.

He went to a lot of sporting events with me. When the Blackhawks won, he was there to help celebrate meeting all the Blackhawks players. I mean, it was just amazing. Sat in the governor’s chair in the. In the governor’s mansion. So he had a. He had a lot of fun. He did, but it was just life caught up with him, and he just didn’t. He couldn’t get beyond what he thought was his life being over. After you’ve been through this, and I know you’re not through it, you won’t be forever, you’re never going to be through this.

Okay. It’s just going to keep going. I can tell you, based on my own experience. But talking to other people and because there’s a lot of people out there suffering and are going through the same thing you are. Right. What are you learning from talking to other people? Well, I’ll tell you, I didn’t realize just how I knew suicide was a problem. I’m part of a couple of groups that’s private groups on social media. When I tell you every single day, somebody joins. Every single day since I’ve been a part of this group, somebody joins, and you realize this is a community that should never exist, that you would never want to exist.

And we never tell each other how to cope with what they’re doing. We’re just there. Sometimes silence is enough. Sometimes just saying we’re with you. The people that are part. And when I tell you they’re from every socioeconomic background, they’re from every political background, none of that matters. None of it. They all know who I am. They know politically where I stand. It doesn’t matter because we’re. That parents that have had to bury their kids are a very tight knit group. It’s different. It’s different because we all understand and we know that ape because like right before, in 2019, I lost my baby brother.

He was shot and killed and robbed out in Illinois. I mean, and he was shot, robbed and killed. And so that was. I hate November. November. October, yeah, yeah. Because October 2nd is his birthday. So then the month of November, you know, Thanksgiving and then Christmas, we don’t have him. I mean, when we had to deal with the first, you know, the first time he wasn’t here for his birthday, the first time he wasn’t here for our birthdays, that was tough. The first Christmas. The first. Yes. Yeah, that was, that was really tough. And I’m telling you, though, just a.

I had a friend reach out to me because their son was struggling. And I just sat and just listened to the guy just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And you know what the kid said to me afterwards? That’s the first time in a long time somebody just let me talk. He said, this is what I’ve been trying to tell my parents. Let me get it out. And I think I’ve learned that lesson from my son because my son used to say, let me, Can I get, Can I just get it out? And sometimes you, you, you, you, you want to, you want to slam down the justice that you forget.

Yeah, let me hear his perspective at least. And I talk about a lot of that type of stuff. I, I tell parents what to look for in the book and just provide. I was one. I was wondering. I want to read. Is it okay if I can read one of the letters? To give you an example, I was trying to send you the digital copy. I didn’t have your email address, though. I didn’t. So I apologize. That’s okay. That’s okay. I got that because Riley is the one that scheduled you onto my show. So that’s why I didn’t have your email address.

But I, I labeled this. This is letter 24, the aftermath. All right, I’m gonna try to get through this, okay? I’m gonna do my best to get through this. Dear John boy, there are some things the father should never have to do. One of them is to outlive his son. Another is to Bury him with his own hands, knowing there will be no one left to carry the name forward. I used to think the moment of your death was the hardest thing I would ever experience. But I was wrong. The hardest part is what came after.

The silence. The way your rooms stay frozen in time. Shoes where you left them. Bed still holding the weight of what happened. Air still heavy with absence. The way I’d walk down the hallway and forget for just a second. And then remember the ache of waking up and realizing the nightmare is my reality. The noise, the screams that still echo from that night. Your mother’s voice splitting open Kirsten’s terror. My cry was a sound I didn’t know could come out of me. And in the crushing stillness after the officers left, after the questions, after the coroner, after the paperwork, just silenced in a bed stained with grief.

People don’t talk about what suicide does to those left behind. They think it’s a moment, a tragedy, a sharp, clean break. But it’s not. It’s a slow motion detonation. And the blast keeps echoing. For years I lost myself that night. I tried to smile, to move forward, to carry on. But I walk around with this gaping wound, this hollow space where your life used to live. John. I was supposed to teach you how to be a man. I was supposed to hand down my name, my faith, my fire. Now I live with the weight that my name, our name, dies with you.

There will be no Anthony boys running around with our eyes. No Father, son, Saturdays, Sundays watching the bears. No dad. You were right. Moments after years are arguing over life, women and how to grill the perfect state. That legacy is gone. And every time I look in the mirror, I wonder, did I fail you? Did I miss it? Did I make you feel like there was no other way? Because God helped me, son. I would have crawled into your skin and carried the pain myself. If I had known how deep your pain ran. People ask how I’m doing.

I lie. I say I’m okay. I say I’m moving forward. But the truth is I wanted to give up. More times than I can count, I’ve looked at that same weapon. Sat in the same silence. I felt the same darkness creep in like fog under a door. But I’m still here. And maybe, just maybe, that matters. John, your death didn’t just break my heart. It fractured our family. It pierced your sister souls. It left your mother gasping for breath in rooms you used to laugh in. We fought to rebuild. We’ve clung to gods of bleeding hands.

We screamed into pillows, into prayers, into the sky begging for one more day with you. I wish you had known what will be left in your wake. The emptiness, the guilt, the questions, the torment. And the fierce, relentless love that refused to stop even when you did. But I forgive you. Not because I’ve forgotten the pain, but because I know the pain that made you do it. And because I refuse to let your story end in despair. You are more than how you died. You are more than the hole you left. You are more than the bullet, more than the silence, more than the goodbye you never gave.

You are mine. My son. My boy. My heartbeat is in another body. And I will carry you every day until I see you again. Until then, I’ll write, I’ll weep, I’ll tell the truth. Others are too afraid to speak. And I’ll reach for those still holding the Because I couldn’t save you. But maybe I can save someone else. I love you. I miss you. And I would never stop saying your name. John Wesley, Christian Anthony. You mattered. Love always and forever. Dad. For the one reading this, who’s still left behind. You are not weak for breaking.

You’re not crazy for still crying. You are not alone. You are what’s left. And that means you are still the light. The scripture referenced the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in Spirit. Psalms 34:18. God, I don’t know how to carry this. This is the prayer. I don’t know how to breathe without breaking. But I trust that you are here in the aftermath, in the ruin, in the ashes. Hold every grieving parent men what feels unmendable and teach us how to live again without letting go of the ones we lost.

Amen. Chapter letter 24, the Aftermath. Wow. So the book has helped you get this out and then therapy for you. How do you, you know when you go into those, those groups. Have a lot of people read your book? Yes, a lot of people read my book. I need more. If I could, Sarah, if I could give this book away, I would give it away. I do that too, though. If somebody buys one book, I give two away. I’ll leave it at the airport, I’ll leave it in a hotel that I’m staying. I had somebody, I left it at a Hotel in D.C.

and I actually had somebody find me, send me an email saying, because I writing the book, don’t throw this away. This book found you. If it’s not for you, give it to somebody who needs it. And then I guess they looked up my name, found my email address, sent me a message saying I needed that. I was just in Michigan at the Woodward Dream Cruise and this mother came up to me and she said, you know, I was reading the first two chapters of your book. I struggle with suicide ideation, suicidal ideations and my 30 year old daughter is also suffering with it as well.

I need this book. I said, well the one you’re holding in your hands is yours. Take it. If I could give this book away because it’s not just, it’s not just the story of telling of John Boy, but I’m trying to give people who are thinking about it, people who have committed it, people who don’t. Who, who, how do you live afterwards or you know, how do you see this? Look for the signs. That’s what this book is about. And that’s why I call it my rescue mission. If I can get as if I can get this book into as many hands as possible and I can do it for free, trust me, I wouldn’t.

That buys it allows you to give it to free to two others. Yeah. Yes, yes. So if you buy the book you get. I give two of them away. No matter where I’m at, as soon as I see a purchase, I give them away. I give them away. It’s been able this, like I said, this has been a, it wasn’t just a lifeline for me. It’s been a lifeline for so many people. I mean every single person that has bought the book. And you know, when you, because I self publish this, when you self publish, I think the average, that you average books that you sell is anywhere between 250 to 500 books in the lifetime of the book.

Yeah, I’m almost at a thousand books sold and I don’t even know. I’m probably giving away 1200 of them. Yeah, I just been giving them away. I get my copies and when I’m out, people, my friends, because I don’t have a publisher to say, yell at me, to scream at me, to say, hey, make money. I didn’t write the book to make money. I wrote the book to save people. Yeah, I really did. I wrote this book because I know it’s going to save people. Because I’ve already gotten testimonies from people that this book is not only saved them but saved.

You know, kids and grandfathers and grandmothers are reading it and they dealt with suicide in their own personal lives and they said, they said they’re so happy that they didn’t do it. You know, I, I, when I was a police officer, I drove into a target walmart I mean, Target parking lot. I just felt like my life just wasn’t there. And it’s the second book that I’ve written called the Broken Leader. I tell some interesting stories about my own personal life and what I’ve had to endure in life. Politics is evil, is ugly. And I didn’t realize just how bad it was when I was involved in it.

And it tried to kill me. It really. It literally. Literally. Politics literally tried to kill me. And that’s why I don’t want to have nothing to do with it as far as running ever again. I still get people wanting me to run. Yeah, well, don’t you? Politics is almost like they go to war and they just. These people get so almost obsessed with it and they feel like they’re at war and they’ll do anything to win. Yes. And. And one of the things that I do on my show, I bring people of opposite opinions to have a conversation.

Let’s have a conversation. Nobody’s talking out there. Everybody’s talking over each other. That’s exactly. Everybody thinks they know best and know everything, and they’re not. I had somebody. I had La Dapo on a surgeon general in Florida. Yeah, I saw that. And he’s great. I love him. And I had comments, you know, I. I had a lot of backlash because it wasn’t. I wasn’t tough enough on him or I wasn’t or now they don’t trust me as a person because of. Of he was on and off. It’s like, who cares? I’m not what I represent. Doesn’t mean that I agree with every single person.

Although I. I really like what he’s saying, although he can’t. He’s a politician, so he can’t go out there and just be. He has to. He has to tread lightly on some issues because it is what it is and people are just unwilling. I did a censored conference where I bought. Brought people in from both sides and all angles and said, I don’t care what your political beliefs are. All I care. And this is the. Is that you believe it’s true. Yes. You’re respectful to others, and we can have a debate over it and bring it on.

And there. And they’re all censored. And so we could have these talks. It’s exactly what we need. But that we need that to get over issues like this. This is something that we have a despair. And especially with young men, women, girls are on medications at higher amounts than boys are. Yes. And maybe because they’re more willing to deal with their problems, but boys are silently struggling. It’s really bad. Yeah. Even during COVID there was a spike in suicides. I mean, the spike was just astronomical because the kids were where they’re in school. But you talked about how you’re.

This is how I present it to the people that listen. Because I have two radio shows. I do Monday through Friday, and then I do a Saturday cultural show. This is what I tell. I just had the Imam of Detroit on my show, the imam, the Muslim, Muslim leader. And he said, well, why would you want to bring him on? Because how do we gain insight into how they think, what they. What they believe if we don’t engage in conversation with. And he, he so appreciated that I even reached out and wanted to have him on the radio show.

And I’m like, listen, that’s what I do. I’m not gonna come if it’s my first interview. And I know I want to build a relationship with you. I’m not gonna beat you over there. I’m gonna lay a groundwork of questions for you where I want to get to know you. What do you think? How do you feel? What. What makes you tick? What pushes you? That’s what I do in my first interviews. I’m never going to be somebody that’s going to beat somebody over the head in the first interview. I just. I just don’t do it.

I simply don’t. Even, Even if I. I don’t want to build a relationship with you. I prefer a conversation than this, I don’t know, this vitriol that we have in our, in our discussions today. Everything is. I wanna. I wanna choke you. I want to do. It’s like, seriously, politics doesn’t take up that much space in my mind or in my heart. That’s right. And so what if I have a different opinion? I want to talk about the issues. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you as a person, but I want to talk about the issues.

And we so much we attack the person versus the data and the facts that we’re looking at and the policies and the policies. We got to get past it. We used to know that. And we’ve lost that. But that. Because we’ve lost that and the toxic environment we’re in is hurting our children. It is, it is. And people say, well, where’s the blame? You know, a lot of people like to blame Donald Trump for that. That didn’t start with Donald Trump. That vitriol, this hatred, this back and forth. That did not. People Forget how they treated George W.

Bush. People forget, you know, they forget that. They forget even how Ronald Reagan was treated. You know? You know, I mean, they do. The media does treat people on the left a little bit differently than they do people who are center right. That, that just, that just happens. But the, the, this nastiness, this, this cutthroatness, it’s gotta stop. Level. It’s at a whole level that has to stop. And the adults in the room need to come forward. I think this is a big part of it. I know that the, the children are really, really struggling. Social media is actually perpetuating it and feeding it and making it worse.

The algorithms are feeding these things. Your son probably was fed algorithms that caused him to go down this path. Because I know that studying what these kids are and working with some kids on what they’re seeing in these algorithms. Yeah, it is, it is almost like it’s. You know how we say that we’re grooming young kids with the transgender. I think they’re grooming them even if it’s not on purpose. But I know some of this is on purpose, but the algorithms are built to put higher things that create emotion and engagement. And it’s, it’s grooming children to be mentally unhealthy.

It truly is. And growing up, I’m. I’ll be 50 in April. I didn’t have those issues. I mean, I didn’t have a walking. I mean, I’m sitting in front of you, but I didn’t have a walking computer in my. No. Can you imagine the trouble we could have gotten in if we had this back in the day? The ability to have the world at your fingerprint at fingertips. Well, and to be judged, I mean, girls and boys would be. It’s a different phenomena. But to be judged at. I mean, we’re already hyper judged as in high school and middle school and stuff.

If you’re hyper judged online and you magnify that, how messed up is that? That is so true. I remember a call I got with a 12 year old kid who committed suicide. He committed suicide. They found him in his closet because he, he was bullied. He didn’t have the fancy clothes, the Jordans. And he wrote a little note about why he did it and he told. He apologized to his parents and he just felt like because of the onslaught of social. Because they were harassing him on social media and he just felt like, this is why I don’t even like this disarrament on social media.

If I didn’t have Radio, I would not be on social media. It would be a thing of the past for me because I am telling you, I noticed when I shut down for a couple of days, the stress levels come down. It’s hard for us in the public life, have to do that because it’s one thing going on every so often is stay engaged. It’s another thing. They have to do it daily and get beat up and see this toxic. It’s hard. Yes, it’s, it’s, it’s beyond hard. I think, I think it’s because everything is done now on social media.

Everything you think about it, everything is done. And I just, I want to be part of the solution. That’s why, you know, a lot of people with my radio station, we, we call ourselves the answer because you, everybody can talk about the problems. What are the solutions? Who’s providing solutions to a lot of the problems? And that’s what I try to do. That’s why I brought you on the radio show because I’m like, this is a solution oriented lady. I need to bring her on. Because solutions to problems, and I don’t even call them problems, I call them challenges.

They just haven’t met the answer yet. That’s just, that’s what problems are for me. They’re just challenges that haven’t met a answer yet. And what I try to do is converge the challenge and the answer and present it to people. You make your decision. That’s right. And the answer might not be the right answer, but at least we’re trying and we’re moving, trying to get something accomplished. Because if we don’t, the alternative is not an option of doing nothing and just complaining. Well, essentially that’s what we’re doing. We’re just complaining. Right. And the alternative is what happens to our children if we’re not providing solutions for them now, what happens to them? Because somebody out on the street, because listen, my mother was a drug addict from the time I was six up until I was 16, 17 years old, you know where I went and got my answers from? The street.

I called myself trying to gang bang. I called myself trying to sell drugs. But that wasn’t the life for me. And it wasn’t until I met this lady. And I talk about her everywhere I go. Her name is Cheryl Carr. And for the first time, that’s why I said it in my book to my son. You matter. This lady came up to me. She was my best friend’s auntie and she rocked me to my core. No one had ever told me That I mattered. She says, you matter. I had never heard that from anybody. That me, the guy with a mother who’s a drug addict, who’s buying drugs from his friends, all of my aunts and uncles who are heroin addicts and I come from pimps and gang bangers, you’re telling me that I matter.

And I take this message everywhere I go. Because the thing about, I mean you look at what’s happening in the city, I know we’re getting off topic now, but when you think about what’s happening in the city of Chicago, I come up through that. I’m from these same streets where you see a lot of these, a lot of blood is spilled and something has to be done because the leadership that’s there, they’re all activists. The leadership in a lot of these cities, they’re nothing but activists and they don’t want to solve problems because remember what Rahm Emanuel said, never let a good crisis go to waste.

Crises in their mind is an opportunity to create more chaos. And that’s why I speak out and I try to bring answers and solutions to the problems of our day. And all it’s going to do is hurt our kids unless we get the adults in the room need to all get back engaged to stop this or to at least start to mitigate this and move the ship in a different direction. How are your other children doing? They’re getting better. They’re getting better. My 12 year old, she, they’re the bottom three are in therapy. I know my oldest is as well and because like my 19 year old, she’s off the way in college.

So they’re getting better. But my 12 year old for about the first two years would you couldn’t even bring up, you couldn’t broach the subject with her. And you can tell she was affected by it deeply. And yeah. And then so we call. So my son and my oldest twin, they’re the same skin color. They were real dark complexion and they have all the rest of my kids are like, like skin complexion. But they were really close because he’s like man, if I you finally have another brown child. That’s what my son used to say to me.

And so they were real close and he used to talk about how she would see John Boyd standing out on the tree and I was like, well, you know, but she took it the hardest. Outside of my 19 year old daughter, she really took it the hardest. Well, she’s the one that saw him and she was only 15. That was the age I was when my Brother did the same thing. That’s a hard age, right? It is, yeah. That’s hard. One thing I want to tell you is your. Your. Your kids. I honored both sides of our family, my husband and my.

My brother, because I didn’t change my name. And it’s common in the Hispanic. My husband’s from Mexico. He’s an American citizen, but he’s. He grew up in Mexico for the first 12 years, it was 11 or something. And so our kids have a hyphenated last name, you know. Okay. Roas Westall. That’s what they do in Mexico. That’s what I did. And then women don’t change it. It’s it that women don’t change their name down there for the most part. It’s different cultures. People don’t realize. And they’re very heavily Christian. It’s not a Christian thing. It’s a cultural thing, changing your name or not.

And it worked with me. And then our oldest son, we named. He wanted my. My husband’s name as Gabriel, and. And my. And we named my son Gabriel William Rojas Westall. And my dad’s name is William, and his middle name is. And my brother’s name was William, too. And then their middle name was. Started with a G. We always had to start with a G. So by naming him Gabriel, which just worked out, it ended up being G. William Rojas Wessel, So it could be. It’s very similar. And then it also worked for my husband, so it honored.

We were able to honor both sides of the family, including my. That’s amazing. Of our name through. Because I was only. I was one of three girls and he was the only boy as well. And so we are able to honor both sides of the family at the same time. Wow. That’s amazing. Yeah. I grew up with a lot of Mexicans, so I definitely understand the hyperdated names. Trust me. Yeah, trust me. And it worked for me too. You know, I’m like, good. I kind of. I like the idea of keeping my name. And. And so it just worked for everybody.

But it was. We were able to honor everyone at the same time, and it felt good for me. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. I really love that. Yeah. So I wanted to share that. Yeah. And then the other thing I wanted to ask you is with having five girls and other kids around, one of the things that I think that helps parents is they have to stay strong for their other kids. Did your other kids, just knowing that you had this other responsibility help you? Yes. What also helped me, my Oldest daughter had my first grandson, August John.

So it was as if it was. He was like. He’s like the. That bomb that, you know, you have a wound and you get that cold press over the wound, and it just. That’s what my August John has been like for me. He has been like. I mean, when I tell you, I. I can’t even begin to explain just how much peace and calm August, every time I look at him. Yeah. He calls me papa. Papa. He’s been. He’s been just what the doctor ordered for our whole family. And he’s brought so much healing to a lot of us.

He really has. He’s been. My daughter, anytime she wants me to keep her. She doesn’t know it. I don’t tell her, but please. Yeah. Heck, yeah, I want to keep him because he truly has been. He’s been peace, you know, and when with everything that’s been raging, he’s the one thing. Anytime he comes, when my daughter comes back home, the entire family runs him because it’s like they know this is our guy. And my daughter named his. His name is August John Christian. My son name was John Wesley Christian. So she took John and Christian and gave it to my grandson, August John.

I love that kid. Yeah, it’s a similar. It’s. That’s. And as a grandparent, do you. And I already know the answer. You already said it. But as a grandparent, it’s like you want to just soak it in. Yes, yes. The greatest thing ever. Because then I can throw it back to her, too. I always kid around with my kids when they have grandkids or, you know, I have a great kid. I’m gonna sugar them up and then send them back. I’ve done that. So every time I come back from. From doing radio. Whenever he’s there, he comes right to me.

You know, he doesn’t care about anything. Doesn’t want to hug me, doesn’t want to kiss me. Papa, candy. You got candy, Papa, I don’t have candy. Oh, that’s funny. Yeah, you’re. You’re not gonna spoil our kids. Yes, I am. Oh, I’ve already done it. My daughter doesn’t like that I give him so much candy. But, hey, well, I love it. Yeah. Yes. But it’s. It’s. It’s. He’s. He’s been great. So where can people buy a copy of your book? Because remember, if people buy it, they can give it away to somebody who needs it if they don’t feel they need it.

Or they can read it and give it away, but it also allows you to give it away to two other people. Where can they buy a copy of your book? Sure, there are two places. Amazon.com is one place. But I also have my own. I have a website called Black andwhite radio. Blackandrightradio.com. that’s where you’ll get the personalized autograph. It’s. It’s much cheaper there. Amazon is 25. On my website, it’s 18 bucks because that’s how old he was. Forever. 18. He was 18. And that’s why. And September is Suicide awareness month, so in honor of that, I’m.

I reduced the price on my blackandrightradio.com website. Sorry, that. That got me a little emotional. That’s okay. I can. I’m. It’s great you made it through. I was surprised I made it through this one. Yeah. I wasn’t. You sent me. I kind of held back a little bit. I kind of held back a little bit because I didn’t want. I wanted us to. Our first. My first interaction on your show to be, you know, not. So have you balling and crying because if I. If I laid out the story. Story. You’d be like, oh, no. And I didn’t want to do that.

I don’t want you to hold back. Is there anything about the story that you think that people. I don’t feel like I need it to be held back. I. Is there anything about the story you think that is important that people need to hear that you didn’t. You were not afraid, but you just. Yeah, no, I. I think I understand what your question is. I wanted to write a book where people didn’t remember my son for the act that he did as far as committing suicide. I wanted to paint a picture of who he was. And that’s what you find in the book.

I mean, even from the. I mean, my kid. This kid used to dance. He couldn’t dance. He thought he was the greatest dancer ever. I wanted to show that he couldn’t dance. He thought he couldn’t dance. Not at all. He sucked, but he didn’t care. He did it anymore. Yeah. Yeah. That’s what he’s about. Yes. He did it anyway. And I wanted this book to be about telling the story of who he is so that others don’t tell the story of who he is from my perspective. And I also. There’s a part in the book where it’s called Letters from Heaven.

As I said, he’s now writing letters to each one of us. Myself, my wife, and all five of my girls. And it’s called if Heaven Had Papers. And that one, that part of the book, it gets really emotional there too. It really does. So it’s, it’s. It’s, like I said, it’s a father’s journey through grief, faith and redemption. Because I want his name and his story to be redeemed so that others don’t have to find themselves. Parents, grandparents, guardians, sisters, brothers, cousins don’t have to find themselves there. There were 1400 people at his homegoing. 1400 people that showed up a lot, affected a lot of people.

A lot of people. He mattered to a lot of people. Yes. One more last thing. So when I did the. The. The. Because I gave the. What does he call it? I don’t know what they call it at the funeral, but I gave the eulogy. I got up there and I lost my. I posed the question, oh, that’s okay. I lost my camera. Okay, that’s fine. My battery ran out, but this is just fine. I posed the question to the people that were there. And I said one of the things I said, how many in here have ever thought about or had suicidal ideations? Almost every hand in the building went up.

But then I said, how many of you have thought about it in the last year? Still a lot of hands. And I said, how many of you thought about it last week? Now all the adults hands were down. Every single child or kid in that room raised their hand. And I said, how many of you thought about it today? Almost the same amount of young kids raising their hands. See, that’s what I mean. This is how serious this issue is. Yes. And I think social media people need to understand that social media is magnifying this by double digits.

It is. It is. And have you noticed that a lot of movies are dealing with it and they’re sexy and suicide up. They’re making it feel like it’s okay. It doesn’t really affect anybody. That’s the. That’s the message I want to get out, that I’m trying to get out in this book. That it does. It affects everybody. You’re gone deep. You’re gone. It deeply affects everybody. Yes, deeply. That’s a great word to use. Deeply affects everybody. It’s a wound that will never heal. And all it does is it gets. It gets scarred over. But it just.

I’m telling you, I’m 30 years. You know, my brother and I grew up as twins. He was adopted when I was. Was a baby. Well, I wasn’t. I Was a young toddler. I was like 18 months. So I don’t remember life without him. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And he came when I was 18 months and he was nine months. He was only nine months younger than me. And we developed our own language. They had to teach us. Yeah. We developed our own little language together. And it was important for us to go to school because that was the time that we.

That we could develop more because we needed to be. My mom and dad thought we needed to be apart because we were too close. You know what I mean? Wow. Little kids develop their own little language. We grew up kind of like twins. So when my. When I lost them, it was. It. It rocked me so fundamentally that it changed my personality. Everything about me changed. It was. It was a pivot, a hard pivot at 15. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, that’s one of the things I. Because a lot of people try to pull me into different fights that are happening politically.

And I look at them and I say, I don’t see it the same way you do. That’s why now, even my enemies, people who say that they’re my enemies, I have been reaching out to them, saying, hey, look, I don’t know why we don’t like each other. Let’s figure this out. Because life is too short. You never know when you’re going to be gone from here. That’s right. I don’t want to. I don’t want to live this life continuously having enemies. I don’t want to have enemies. And a lot of people say, oh, you’re going to have them anyway.

Well, then that’s their problem. But I’m still going to do everything I can to mitigate whatever the circumstances so that I’m not having enemies. Because I see the world so much differently now after losing not just my baby brother, after losing my baby brother, but after losing my son. There’s a lot of trivialities to this thing called life that I just don’t pay any attention to. To. Yeah. And that’s what I try to convey to people when I go out, because I do a lot of public speaking, too, and I try to convey that to them.

You know, you just look at. You just never know what people are carrying and why they’re acting the way they’re doing, what they’re. Why they’re carrying it out. And I always just get closer and say, hey, is everything okay? Like, really okay? That’s what I love about Jelly Roll. He. I think he wrote my anthem, I Am not okay. Have you heard that song? By Jelly Roll I have not. But I’ve heard my kids have brought that up, and I. Can you share that? Because I’m sure a lot of people in the audience don’t know, well, I can’t sing but it simply says I am not okay I’m barely getting by I’m losing track of days.

And it just says. And he just. The chorus. I mean, you’re making me try to want to sing, but if I sing, then I’m going to be embarrassed. That might be entertaining if you sang it, but I’ll give you the lyrics real quick. It says, I am not okay I’m barely getting by I’m losing track of days and losing sleep at night I am not okay I’m hanging on the rails so if I say I’m fine Just know I learned to hide it well and then that’s when he goes, oh, I can’t be the only one who’s holding on for dear life But God knows I know when it’s all said and done I’m not, I’m not okay but it’s all gonna be all right.

I love that song. And Jelly Roll, I mean, when you look at what he’s had to endure in his life, I’ve been reaching out to him. I tried to interview him, because here’s a guy who’s been through hell, been in jail, and now look at him. He’s one of the hottest people out, as if. As it relates to making music. And I know he saw this day, but I don’t think he knew it would come the way it is. And that’s why he makes a lot of songs that speak to resilience. And that’s another word that I.

I really have come to love. You don’t. You never know how strong and resilient you are until you’re faced with a circumstance that tests you. And that’s why the rest of them. For the rest of my life, I am going to be that encourager to get people to realize there’s so much more to life than where you find yourself at the moment. And I’m going to do everything I can to awaken that in people. I really am. And you’re the perfect person to do that. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us today and allowing me to share a little bit of my story and.

Yes, and thank you. I just never thought out of the blue, you came to me and I said, you know what? This is important. We need to do this. So thank you. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. Thank you for opening up your platform and the people that listen to you know just how great you are. And when I. When I interview you, I told Riley, that was an amazing interview. That lady is amazing. I gotta get on her show now. Well, thank you so. Thank you so much for those kind words.

I really. You’re quite welcome. God bless you, Sa.
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