Love Lies and Liberation: Healing the Heart Rewiring the Brain

➡ Lisa Schermerhorn hosts a show called Where Truth Lies, where she introduces Rhianna Milne, a relationship expert who helps people with various issues including addiction and dysfunctional patterns. Lisa herself is a certified hypnotherapist and quantum healer, offering help to those seeking life changes and healing. She also promotes her book and a healing device called the Wave Watch. Rhianna shares her journey from personal trauma to becoming a global life and love trauma recovery mindset coach, highlighting her experiences and the motivation behind her work.
➡ The text discusses the impact of childhood trauma on individuals and how it can shape their behavior and decisions in adulthood. It highlights the importance of recognizing and understanding one’s traumas to initiate the healing process. The text also explores the characteristics of narcissists, who often have a history of severe childhood trauma, and the challenges they pose in relationships. Lastly, it emphasizes the possibility of change and healing, even for narcissists, through therapy and coaching.
➡ This text discusses how childhood traumas, such as verbal abuse and personal trauma, can lead to issues in adulthood like jealousy, control issues, impulsivity, and addiction. These issues can negatively impact relationships, causing behaviors like people-pleasing, cheating, and inability to apologize. The text emphasizes the importance of addressing and healing these traumas to have healthy relationships and avoid toxic ones. It also warns against trying to change or fix a partner with these issues, instead encouraging self-love and the confidence to walk away from unhealthy situations.
➡ Healing from trauma is crucial for both individuals and couples to build healthier relationships. This process involves understanding and addressing childhood traumas, breaking toxic patterns, and learning to communicate effectively. It’s important to take responsibility for one’s role in a relationship and develop empathy for each other’s experiences. Recognizing and addressing these issues can lead to stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
➡ The text discusses the importance of understanding and addressing childhood trauma to break its cycle through generations. It emphasizes the role of education and communication in helping children cope with their feelings and improve their behavior. The author shares her experiences as a school counselor, using various strategies to help children, including an anti-bullying program and a talent club. She also offers resources for individuals seeking help, including assessments, one-on-one coaching, and free resources available on her website.
➡ This text talks about the importance of personal coaching in improving various aspects of life, such as finances and friendships. It emphasizes the need for emotional health and conscious love. The speaker expresses gratitude for the connection and hopes others will reach out for similar guidance.

Hi, Lisa Schermerhorn here and you’re on my show Where Truth Lies. I’m so excited to introduce you to Rhianna Milne. She is a relationship expert. And if you are having any issues in your marriage with your partner, friendships, you have patterns that are dysfunctional going on in your life and including addiction. She is an expert in all of these and helps so many people. You’re going to want to stay tuned. And if you are looking for making changes in your life, removing blocks and living the life that you’ve always dreamed of, I’m a certified hypnotherapist and a quantum healer and I would love to help you.

You can reach me through le. My book In Every Belief is a Lie is also available on Amazon. It’s an international best selling book. If you are interested in a like a rife machine for your wrist, it uses frequency to help you heal. It’s called the Wave Watch. I can get you a hundred dollars off at Lisa mindset. I’m sorry, mindset 100. All the information will be below. And if you’re looking to reverse aging, rebuilding stem cells and new incredible water machine that infuses light into water, I’m learning all about it. It’s doing amazing things for people.

If you’re looking to find out more, please contact me. I can help you select the products that are right for you and enjoy the show. Hi, Lisa Schermerhorn here and you’re on the Grassroots Warrior Network and you’re on my show Where Truth Lies. And I’m thrilled and excited to introduce you to Rhianna Milne. She’s a certified global life and love trauma recovery mindset coach. I think she’s got some really amazing things to talk about. I know that I could have used you 25 years ago when I was having my meltdown. So that’s okay. And she was also on the show Radical Dating Finding Lasting love for over 40.

And I can’t wait to hear more about that. But you know, one of the things that I always say is all of us who become extra or experts in things, we become experts for a reason. We’ve been through our own journey and then we end up doing this work to heal us ourselves and then we become the best at that topic. So what brought you into all of this? Because love trauma is not pretty. No, it’s not. I’ve had a couple of those myself. But it started much younger than that. When I was 16 years old, I lost my very best friend, my childhood buddy named Michael, and I asked My mom, if I could go to counseling to help deal with the grief.

And she said, no one in this family will ever go to a counselor. And my defiance, I said, then I will grow up and become one. So I knew then, you know, here I’m this teenage girl. I was very shy. I was horribly bullied. I was tall and skinny and gawky, so that was part of my trauma. And then I won a scholarship to modeling school at age 12, which pretty much helped change my life and my confidence levels. But emotionally, I didn’t have what I needed to process a death of my best friend. So I turned to books.

You know, Joe Vitale, Wayne Dyer and the Dalai Lama, Marianne Williamson, the Course of Miracles, Tony Robbins, all the great writers and gurus of that time. And I just read constantly, and Psychology Today magazine along with Vogue, you know, so I knew that was my calling. And then I went to Penn State for broadcast communications and my college roommate of three years, I was one year ahead of her. Corinne was dating someone I knew was toxic and not good, and I begged her to stop seeing him, which she did. And then I left Penn State, and then she ends up murdered.

So here’s another best friend loss that I had. So in my travels of being a therapist, I decided to become a drug and alcohol counselor to give back in Michael’s name. And I help people through traumatic relationships in Corinne’s name, so it gave my purpose. So that’s the real original story. I did get married to my college sweetheart, and lo and behold, he was toxic. This is before I did any of my work. He ended up, you know, stealing $200,000 from my mother and was a compulsive liar. And I just decided I’d be better off on my own and left him when my kids were young, age 3 and 4, and said, I’ll make it on my own.

And we had a bankruptcy for three quarters of a million dollars. I was 26 years old, divorced, with two little girls. That was my 20s. By 27, I started at 26, actually, a model in talent, school and agency with my first month’s rent because I couldn’t get a loan. And within six months, I won educational excellence for my school and agency. Within one year, I won the International Model and Talent award for school of the Year, and with four students in my first training class and ended up with 24 a year later with a waiting list.

So I had people in television and commercials and film and dancers, dancers, models, actors. It was great fun. And it was in this little town of Erie, Pennsylvania. So with the International Model and Talent Association, I could place them in bigger agencies. In New York every year we competed, and in la, we competed. So I love being the talent agent manager of people from 5 to 84 years old. Wow. People. Commercial models and actors. And I loved it. And then a New York firm bought me out. I went up there and ran both the school and agency, and then eventually I sold them off because I always wanted to be a therapist.

So I went back to get a triple master’s in counseling and psychology at age 37. And by 40, I graduated WOW. Year 2000, started my company Therapy by the Sea in Ventnor, New Jersey. And then 2009 and 10, I went through RCI Relationship Coaching Institute because I really love the coaching model. It’s more educational. We work as a team. I ended up writing. Now I’ve written 13 books, but for my curriculum I wrote Live beyond your dreams from fear and doubt to personal power, purpose and success, which is all about mindset. And then at age, well, three couple years later, I wrote love beyond your dreams.

Break free of toxic relationships to have the love you deserve. And they’re meant to go together. And they were number one bestsellers on Amazon. And since then I’ve written other books on anxiety and happiness, beyond your dreams and parent child relationships. And through my education, I also worked in schools. I became a student assistance counselor. So I worked in every grade from kindergarten all the way through college as an emotionally health counselor within the school. So they were in New Jersey from elementary, Winslow elementary to Hackensack High School and then Rowan University. I worked at the college center, counseling center as well.

So all these different things added up to me seeing people at all stages of life, all ages of life. One of my jobs, again, I was paying my mother back. So I had five jobs most of my life going on. And one was at an adolescent mental health unit for Atlantic Care in South Jersey. So I saw critically mentally ill kids from 5 through 19. And I just kept putting the patterns together. I said, all the kids, no matter where they are. And my women, I worked for women in the prison system. Wow, 16. I think the oldest lady in our group of 32 was like 67.

And, you know, they, no matter the race, the culture, the background, the affluence, these top 10 traumas kept showing up that when they experienced them as kids, they were impacting them still as adults. And they never healed from it. Right. And that’s when I created my childhood trauma checklist in 2012 and started talking about this And I didn’t want to coach until I had my notebooks written. So they were 150 pages. And my two books, so they were written first. And I did a notebook for singles, one for couples, and then started talking about all the research that I had done that went into all these books.

And then I started my coaching programs in 2015. Sixteen is when I started talking about them on podcasts. And everyone was calling me crazy. Nobody has childhood trauma. You’re making it up. And I’m like, no, I’m not. And then I remember the Kaiser Permanente did a big study, and they came out with the ACE test a few years after mine, which kind of surprised me because they had nothing about bullying, which I was. They had nothing about abandonment issues, you know, or needing to live in another person’s home because mom and dad couldn’t provide a home for you.

Because I worked with foster care kids, I’m like, where that. Why aren’t they represented? My foster care kids should be in this test. Wow. You know, my top 10 traumas were very different than your theirs. I felt more people could relate to my simple tests that I had done. So that’s still out there. And I use that in diagnosing my clients and helping them, you know, through which I call the rainbow of learning. Because you can’t change what you don’t know, acknowledge, or understand. Right. A lot of people don’t think they have childhood trauma until they read the top 10.

They’re like, oh, yeah, I have four or five of those. And then how much did that impact you? Was just just little, or was that a lot? You know, on a 1 to 10 scale? And how’s it showing up in your life today? And then, you know, I put the puzzle pieces together and then help them heal and recover from all of that. So that’s quickly the journey. Yeah, no, it’s. It’s really amazing hearing you talk, because I. I didn’t go down the psychology route. I’ve done more the hypnosis and working with the unconscious mind down that route.

But what I see is most of the people who come for that kind of work have had some kind of childhood trauma. And it’s extraordinary. People don’t understand. The majority of the people who are walking around have severe wounding from their childhood that gets projected out right into their world. And that younger, wounded part selects our jobs, our partners. That wounded part, that wounded child within us, makes most of the major decisions in our life. Yes. That’s so true. Yeah. It’s. Even when I was doing the research. You know, I knew I could pick a few of them out right away, like being bullied.

But there was one that hit me two weeks later, you know, because most people will say, well, I didn’t have trauma in my childhood, had a few bumps in the road. And when I was doing this research, I could identify what minds were, except under abandonment. I didn’t think I had abandonment. I had two parents, but my dad traveled a lot, and we did not know he was CIA and FBI. My dad was James. Right. So we didn’t know that. And I do remember asking as a child, where’s dad? When’s Daddy coming home? Is he okay? Why don’t we ever hear from him? You know, my mom in anger says, well, I don’t know where he is.

I’m like, well, why not? You know? So this was not even understood as a child, but it was part of my normal upbringing. And I’m, oh, that one applies to me too. So it’s amazing when I do this test with people and start asking specific questions from the research and how it applies to them that they usually have two more than they even realize. But that’s very normal. Right? When I first did my research in 2012 with all my people and the people I surveyed, 90% could recognize top 10 they had some traumas. The other 10% did not.

And as I started doing podcasts, somebody said, well, that’s probably the narcissist. There’s nothing ever wrong with that. Good point. But in 2021, they did come out with further studies that 100% of us have childhood trauma. So just about really recognizing what yours are and then going through the healing process. Exactly. So, you know, mentioning narcissists, what makes a narcissist? Because you can have a lot of people go through similar situations even within a family, and then one will become the narcissist and one will become more of the victim. You know, where they’re perpetrated upon. What have you noticed in people? What creates.

What creates the narcissist? What has to be there? Well, most of the people that have come to me and they’ve had narcissistic partners. So this is what I’m on. They had severe childhood trauma. So when on I say there’s 10 childhood traumas, there are more. And the severity levels, again, are 1 to 10. So most of these people have 8 to 10 traumas with sever severity levels of 9 or 10. So it’s all that pain and abuse, verbal, emotional, physical abuse, absent Parents moving a lot, no roots, poverty. You know, there’s so many different things that they can have and.

And, you know, and then they just. It’s all about them, you know, for survival. So they are very hurting people. Yeah. And they want love, so they go after kind, loving people, you know, teachers and nurses, you know, smart, loving people, spiritual people, because people who are spiritual will forgive. Right. So they want that kind, loving person. And initially, they can come off as the ideal partner. That’s funny. I’m watching with me, my fiance now the series Dirty John. You must have seen it. And it’s true story how, you know, he manipulated this very kind, beautiful lady, a mother of two, smart architect, you know, with architect design, very successful.

And he just manipulates right into her life and uses her and lies to her. And the kids saw it. It’s like, mom, you don’t want this person. He’s lying to you. And then they actually hired a detective. But it’s an interesting series if you have not seen it. It’s on Netflix right now, and we’re pointing out all the things, the red flags that she just chose not to see or, you know, negated until her kids said, you have to see this. He was never in the army. He never served. You know, you have to see this.

But they’re very smooth. They’re very cunning. And there’s the psychopath and the sociopath. And I describe the sociopath as someone who uses another for pleasure, profit, or lifestyle advancement. So he definitely did all that. And then the psychopath is one step worse where they murder, maim, kill, you know, so. And he ended up trying to kill the daughter, the one daughter. So unfortunately, like I said, it’s a true story. But these types of stories are real, and they do exist. So anyone that thinks they’re with a narcissistic partner, you can’t change them. You can’t love them enough.

And, you know, you have to love yourself more to get the help and keep you and your children safe from this type of person. Is there any hope for narcissists? Because most of the people that I know who are in the therapy, you know, industry say there’s really not much hope for them. But I’m wondering if you know of anything or what you do in the case of. I work with singles and couples, both straight and LGBTQ clients, ages 16 through 80. Three was my oldest. I have had narcissists that I have turned around and a coupled relationship, you know, and I call them on their stuff as a coach, like A football coach.

No, you’re doing that wrong, man. Let’s do this over again, let me tell you. And they. They either. They’ve made so many mistakes. Like, this one man in particular I’m thinking of was in his 80s. When he finally came to me, you know, he really loved this one woman in her 60s, and he goes, I don’t want to mess it up this time. So, you know, they get to maybe a certain point where they realize something is wrong and it’s not working. Men that are chronic cheaters are narcissists and on the verge of sociopath because they don’t think about their partners, how they’re going to hurt them.

They just want what they want. Right. That selfish personality type. And I healed this one couple, and they’ve been together. I saw them, like, in 2006, because I’m on 26 years doing this, so. And once they graduate from coaching, they’re allowed to be on my Facebook. You know, they’re not a therapy client, so they’re not on. But my coaching clients, they’re allowed on. And I see that they’re still together, celebrating their anniversaries, and they say, we still practice every day, what you taught us. Wow. I mean, it’s really rewarding to see couples still together after all those years.

My practice was first in New Jersey, then I moved to Florida, 2014, so. But with coaching of people around the world, which I love because I’m able to work with different cultures and countries and, you know, but childhood trauma has no prejudice, So I can help men, women, and people of all ages. So I really love that part about it. No, that’s beautiful, because there are so many people walking around with. With trauma. How does that project as they grow and get into relationships? And it’s not just marriages that they impact. Right. Or. Or personal. It’s friendships.

It’s all kinds of things. Yes. So. So how do you work with people from the standpoint of identifying? Because they are very charming, they are very charismatic. They come in and they can sweep you off your feet. Yeah, that’s the narcissist and sociopath. But how does it show up in a relationship? Let’s go to that. Yes. So, yes, it doesn’t have to be marriage. It could be dating. It could be relationship. But I have on my website, free, the red flags that you should be looking for in a relationship. Calm. You can get that there. As well as a childhood trauma checklist.

So some of the ways this shows up right now, there’s 24 combinations of how this shows up. But I’m going to give you a few examples. So if you’re dating someone who has a lot of jealousy and control issues, then as children, they probably had trauma number two, which is verbal messaging. What messages did you hear as a child? Did you hear like, you look fat in that, go change your clothes or I’m not paying for college for you. You’re too dumb to do good in college. You know, these put downs parents will do for their to their kids? Or did you witness your parents yelling and screaming all the time when they were fighting, you know, or could they talk through in loving, calm conversation to work through an issue? What did you wit this and what did you hear? Did you hear the words I love you, or did you hear messages that say you’re not good enough? These are verbal messaging, which is trauma number two.

Then trauma seven is personal, personal trauma. So this is if you’ve been bullied or called names, it didn’t feel good enough. You didn’t fit in. You might have been a gay or lesbian student trying to come out in school and your peers rejected you and so did your family. You could have been the only African American student in all Caucasian school. Again, rejected, not feeling like you fit in, not good enough. So if you went through a lot of Trauma 7 and Trauma 2, this could lead to being a jealous, controlling person because you think your partner, subconsciously you think your partner will leave you, and you’re still thinking you’re not good enough.

Right. If that has not been healed. So then there’s impulsivity. A lot of times, if people grow up with poverty and they’re, they’re always, I want this and I want that, and they happen to succeed, well, then they will do things that are impulsive. Well, I want that and I should have it. Now I want the shiny red sports car Even though my wife says we can’t afford it. I’m getting it because I work hard now and I want it. So they just go get it. Now. The impulsive type is the type that will cheat. Well, that girl’s pretty and she came on to me.

And my wife didn’t want to have sex last night, so guess what? So she’ll never know and I’m just gonna go cheat. So the impulsive type is the toughest one to keep together in a couple relationship. They’re going for a lot of affirmation, outside affirmation and adoration. And the impulsive type are your narcissist sociopath usually as well. If you’ve had abandonment issues, which is trauma number five. Then you will be more clingy or feeling insecure when your partner’s away. If partner just says no, they’re not feeling it tonight, then you may re reach out to get attention from someone else on Facebook or, you know, in your community or at work.

A lot of women tend to be people pleasing. Let’s say they had an alcoholic mom or dad who was very difficult. So the oldest daughter gets up, see, mom’s hungover. She’ll get the kids ready to school, pack their lunches, get them to the bus stop, and instead of hearing her yell that morning, she was here, maybe, thanks, hon. And that was a peaceful morning. And that’s a little bit of love. So she learned to keep peace and get love. I have to overdo when people please. And I had a couple come in to me, and this was her story.

And he. She said, I do everything for my husband and my kids. They do nothing for me. I never feel like I’m loved. And again, there’s not enough love for someone like that because they didn’t get it from their parents. And he’s there. But I never tell you to do those things. As a matter of fact, I say, don’t worry about it, I’ll do it. And then you go and do it anyway. Then you’re mad at me. So this is people pleasing behavior. So I have to stop that pattern and build her boundaries up. You know, addiction can be part of childhood trauma.

People use it to escape drugs, alcohol, usually as teenagers. Imposter syndrome, which happens to a lot of our actors, singers, models, they still don’t feel good enough, even though they’ve succeeded quite a lot. Perfectionism is another one. Blaming behavior comes out mostly from the narcissist. They can’t apologize. They’re never wrong. It’s always finding something wrong and nitpicking it in you, you know, instead of being able to apologize. So these are just a few of what you can see in the toxic relationship that is evident. There’s still childhood trauma as a part of it. Right. And. And you know, it’s interesting because you just brought up addiction and that was my next question.

So to be in a healthy relationship, obviously if someone has addiction issues, that’s got to be addressed first. So that’s why I’m really happy to hear that you have worked with the addiction too, because without the addiction help, and that’s a big one, don’t realize, like, if they loved me enough, they would stop drinking or doing drugs and People don’t understand. It has nothing to do with loving you. It’s the lack of loving themselves. So how do you work with people with the addiction and then get them to. Because here’s the other part of it. Oftentimes people with addiction are in unhealthy relationships.

Yes, they are. Yeah. So let’s go back to the original question. Yes, alcohol. Counselor, I say there’s 12 different addictions that you could have grown up with. Right. Addictions is trauma number one. Growing up with it in the household. Okay, so there’s drugs and alcohol, which is the only two that Kaiser study named. I’m like, where’s all the other ones? There’s drugs, alcohol, sex, meaning you knew your part parent was a cheater, chronic, you got to keep the secret. Porn use, gambling, hoarding. Gambling, hoarding. Let’s see, there’s eating, TV watching, workaholism, social media addiction. Right. So having that is more of a priority in the household versus the parent.

Child bonding experiences. And I mean, gaming is a huge addiction. I had a 14 year old or cursing his mom out f you. I’m not coming for dinner. I don’t need to eat. I’m gaming. Leave me alone. He would cut school, you know, hide behind a bush from the bus driver and then break into his own home to game all day when his mom is at work and she’s there. He’s too young to have an addiction. I said, look what he’s doing. Of course I saw a video of a father who’d had enough of his son because he was in his, oh, I think, think it was almost 30 and he was still gaming and not working.

He had all the kids games in the yard and he had a lawnmower, one of those big mowing over the kids having a meltdown. I was like, I can’t even imagine. So you know, usually again, an addiction starts early. Escapism to the family dynamic. Now certainly addictions can start later where there was no addiction. Someone has a car crash, they’re on pain meds and unfortunately they get addicted that way. So there’s that part of the population. But many start drinking and drugging very young and it’s affecting the brain very early when the brain is still growing.

And that’s part of the problem, right? So yeah, one of the things of that my clients look for in an emotionally healthy relationship is absolutely no addictions. And if there is one, you don’t get involved and you start looking for that. Now some people hide it pretty well early on. You know, they Want to like, rope that person in. But you can tell on the first date if they’re having a whiskey at one an hour and they’ve had three in a night, that’s a problem. Bye. Bye. Part of feeling the trauma is being confident enough to walk away.

Right. You don’t. You. You see it and you love yourself more and say you’re lovely person, you’re just not my partner. And that’s it. You know, you just, you leave and you start looking for someone else. But yeah, you don’t want to try and change or fix the person. That’s not your job when you are dating. And out there, and I do say there’s an art and a science to dating successfully and finding your partner. And there’s one wonderful men and women out there. And I can tell when people haven’t healed their trauma, when there’s. There’s no good men out there.

I’m like, okay, you need some trauma recovery work. Yes. And out there, you just don’t know what you’re looking for. You know, and then men are always looking for the prettiest girl that they can score. Well, you know, that pretty, sexy woman, very often the highly sexed individual can be bipolar. Like, so you wonder, why did you end up with someone that took all your money? And, you know, I hate to say that I see that a lot with wealthy businessmen. You know, they go after the pretty young girl and wonder like, well, how could she screw me over? It’s like, because you chose wrong.

It totally chose the wrong type of person. So, you know, there isn’t art and science to doing it successfully. And so once I heal the trauma for the single, then I do teach them to find a really good partner for themselves. And with couples, I have to look at partner A and partner B and heal them individually their childhood trauma. Third entity I have to heal is the relationship patterns that keep going around and around that circle that’s so toxic break that, get them to recommunicate a whole different way that they have never learned. And then start being more honest and real with each other and really just rebuilding the friendship and taking the anger out of the equation and starting over.

But we do rebuild something that’s better than it ever was. Yeah. You know, it’s interesting because most of us are so quick to point our fingers at the other person and say, it’s all their fault. You know, they’ve done it all. I’ve been the good one, and, you know, I didn’t do anything wrong. They’re bad. And it was so interesting because when I was going through, and I mean, my ex husband and I went through five different marriage counselors trying to figure things out. We wanted it to work so badly, but there were so many things that were just not right for us that we needed to go our separate ways because we really didn’t have anything in common.

And the interesting thing was my own self reflection, right. Of going inward and go, okay, where am I responsible for this? Because there’s that saying when you’re pointing one finger at someone else, there’s three pointing back at you. And that was a huge aha moment for me to start taking responsibility for my own role in the relationship. And that helped me heal so such in such a huge way. Because it takes two to create dysfunction in a relationship. That’s true. It really does. And two people need to heal. You know, it’s, it’s not the blaming. You know, you can’t be blaming each other.

You both have to look at what do I need to heal within myself first. And once they understand each other’s childhood trauma, it’s quite amazing. They have more empathy for each other and they don’t jab as much and try to sting and hurt the other person because there’s more compassion. Right. Wow. You know, your wife grew up with a father yelling and screaming at her all the time. So whenever you start to raise your voice, yes, she’s going to shut down and she doesn’t feel intimate with you and you’re yelling at her, why didn’t you want sex with me? Well, why do you think she doesn’t feel safe? That’s the number one thing a woman wants.

Cave woman brain craves safety. Why? She’s the one, the childbearer, you know, so if you don’t make her feel safe, she’s checked out. So, you know, once they understand some of the science and the brain research behind trauma and what is happening when someone is stressed out, cortisol is up and desire is down. So chill out and have more fun and start dating again and, you know, learn to have a healthy communication style. Right? Yeah. So there was a term that someone had told me years ago that I found so fascinating. There’s something called wound mate versus a healthy relationship.

So it’s people who trauma bond. They bond on their wounds and those relationships can be quite compelling. Right. And, and it becomes like this very quickly and people mistake that for love at first sight or I’m in love with them. So how do you help people differentiate between that trauma bond that They’ve come together on versus what a true love relationship really looks like. Well, we call that love bombing here. Yeah, yeah, love bombing. You. And if you’re really liking it, two things, you know, the one that is receiving all the love bombing and loving that.

Like, oh, I found the perfect guy, you know, or like in Dirty John, he wants to marry her by the second month, you know, and they go off to Las Vegas and they get married. Well, that’s a huge red flag. Okay, so take things slow. Know, don’t be intimate so fast. It is showing that the one that is receiving it and desires it so much. There’s abandonment issues there. They didn’t get enough love from mom or dad growing up, so they are like really pulled in really quickly and totally by the love bomber. And the love bomber is giving love and they want it so bad because they didn’t have it growing up as well.

So they are really pouring it on thick to get, you know, that. That bond. But very soon, I call it the 90 day rule. If 90 days. It’s usually from 90 days to six months to nine months, where things start getting serious. So you’re exclusive, you’re being intimate, you’re moving in together, you’re engaged, married, or having a child. Those are the big transition moments where you can see the real character of someone. You know, how are they during those phases of change? Very often the love bomber is great in the first 90 days, and then something goes wrong and they freak out.

How could you do that to me? I’m such a good partner to you. Da da da da. And it’s usually something minor, but they want it their way. And that can be the sign of the narcissist too. You know, they want what they want. So you have to be really careful with the whole love bombing situation. And if you’re recognizing that in yourself, then that is a sign that you still need childhood trauma recovery. So how do you help people who are, you know, trying to recover and heal themselves and keep them in their relationship or not? I mean, do you also help people uncouple where you’ve gone and you’ve just like, this is really bad for both of you or one of you? Yeah, yeah.

I’m thinking several couples are racing through my mind that I could use as an example. But yeah, they. They have to get to the point where they recognize their patterns that they’re doing is highly dysfunctional. Right. And they have to understand that, no, they’re not bad people that came from bad situations which led to these Dysfunctional patterns that are hurting him and her both. Okay, so once they have that understanding of where childhood trauma came from and the empathy from me, oh, that must have been so hard for you. And you don’t have to hold on to this anymore and you don’t have to have those negative, jealous, controlling thoughts.

You are good enough. Look at all the wonderful things you have done. And by then I know them and I’m pointing out all the wonderful things. So I am changing mindset completely of I’m no good, I’m a loser, I’ll never be good enough. So therefore, my girlfriend might cheat on me because I’m not good enough. And I’m going to control her to make sure she doesn’t. And you know, that’s the whole toxic pattern. So again, it’s this rainbow that I send them through of education. That’s why coaching so fabulous. Much more than I think therapy. And I’m both.

But I would always say do coaching over therapy with someone who’s qualified. But, you know, you have to understand what’s going on. So the first part is educating about their childhood trauma, their partner’s trauma, and what do they desire in life. And that’s why my slogan, it’s time to create the life you desire and have the deserve so you can do that with each other. But you both have to be willing to do the change and understand what patterns you’re doing, why they’re not helping you, they’re hurting you. And then let’s learn the new ones. So I have to take them from subconscious to fully conscious, using new skills and new tools, thinking differently.

And that takes practice. So ideally, in all the trauma research says I have them for six months. That is my diamond program. I haven’t for six months educating. And couples need more time because it’s three entities changing. So ideally, I have them six months. Some people, if they’ve done some work, some study, I can do the same result in four. But usually, like with my singles, I get them healed, they just start dating and we start discussing the dates and then they’re done. They’re like, wait, I want to discuss the dates more until I find the one.

But they really have changed quite a bit and they’re dating totally different than how they did before. So that is the education, you know, that’s the education. They do their worksheets from what they say on their worksheets. And I know how to help them. So that’s why I say it’s very much a team effort. And we get amazing transformations. And over 26 years, I’ve been doing it with thousands of people now. So it’s, it’s really great. And then they might meet someone. It’s like, you know what, you’re going to meet my trauma code. She, she changed my life.

Or they’ll ask, how did you find that wonderful partner? It’s like Rihanna, call her. You know, find someone awesome. Yeah. So no, I love this conversation because when you think about, I got married very young and I had no, you know, idea of who I was, let alone because someone said much later on, they said, you need shared values. I’m like, well, how do you have shared values if you don’t even know what your own values are? Well, we, we brought, we were up with that generation where we married right out of college. Right, right. 21.

That was dumb. And I said to my girls, no matter what, marry in your 30s, please take your 20s and grow and start your, start saving your money. And by then, they both had amazing jobs before they married. They chose very wisely. They had money in the bank and they were a fabulous partner and refused to settle for anything less knowing what mom went through. So I mean, that was really great that they, and I love my son in laws like my own kids, you know, they’re wonderful. Now I have six grandchildren. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So it’s, it’s a, it’s a great story to see that it is proven that childhood trauma goes through three generations.

But when someone is educated, they can bring their children up different. Exactly. Then it stops. Right. So they will change, you know, train their kids in mindset work and compassion and communication skills. So it’s just nice to see that my work has helped my girls get a great partner. And then my kids are growing up, grandkids are growing up because that’s the key. And, and I even find a lot of people, they don’t want to change for themselves. But when they think about, well, what am I showing my children? Because I always, what kind of relationship do you want your children to be in? Well, all clients that work with me, many, I would say probably at least 75 to 80% are parents.

Right. And they know their kids were suffering through the divorce or the fighting and the toxic stuff. So they also are aware that I worked in the schools with kids and the mental health unit with kids. So I’m always asking, how are your kids doing? Doing? Because I’m going to teach you to be able to reach your children in a different way. Very often the teenagers are mad at mom. They’re not talking to dad. They’re distant. The little ones are having tantrums, and they can’t learn at school. It really depends on what stage they are, when they come to me.

But, yeah, healing the children are very. It’s very important to me to heal that parent child relationship and how help the kids with that, with what they’re going through, too. Right. That’s a big part of the education that we have. Yeah. I find that children are the hardest because it’s really about the parents. Right? Yeah. Because you really, you know, you can work all you can with the children, but all the influences that they’re getting at home, and that’s got to be the heartbreaking part of working with children. Well, when I was in the schools, my office, I.

I asked my principal in the elementary school. She was very cool, Maria Gallagher. And I said, can they call Ms. Rihanna? Because they got to be able to relate to me. And they said, yes. And I said, can I put a sign on my door? Ms. Rihanna’s relaxation room? Because they came down there to relax, and I didn’t use be. Then we would talk about what’s going on and what their. Their feelings were and why are they upset and did something happen at home that has you upset because you’re normally such a nice little guy? Why would you be mean to your friends? You know, talking on their level, whatever it was.

Right. And then I had behavioral modification charts all along my wall and in the office. So if they got like a star on their notebook in the morning, they come down and when at lunch, if they usually were acting out at recess, and then one in the afternoon, if they did all good all day, they could put a star on their chart. One week of all stars, they went in my treasure chest. So it’s like taking extrinsic awards. They would get a thing, a reward, and then after a couple weeks, they start liking themselves more. And the teachers are nicer to them and the kids are nicer to them because I’m teaching as they come down, new skills, how to be a better friend and, you know, how to help somebody out.

And that feels good. So these are things maybe they did not get at home, right. In school, as their counselor, I took that on as my job to teach them. And it’s funny, I taught them how to negotiate through a problem. And then you hear the little ones say, I want to negotiate with someone. You’re having a problem. Great. Who are we negotiating with? And then they would tell their side of the story. And the other One it’s like, well, how can we, you know, make each other feel that they’re being heard and how can we work this out? So what is your suggestion? What is your suggestion? They’re great ideas.

Which one do you want to try first? You know, so they were learning these things that they did not learn at home. So my bully gang in my school, which was like a war zone when I walked in there, like totally went away. So it was really cool to do different things. And I developed a anti bullying program called Stand up for Friendship and that was televised all over South Jersey for completely changing the environment in my school. And I did a talent club where, you know, they had audition to be in the show. And sometimes the biggest bullies are the best rappers and dancers in your school.

And I said, but if you have a detention or suspension, you’re out of the show. And the other kids would watch them rehearse and say, whoa, you’re really good. You know, and they felt this sense of self esteem over their talent. So then the whole the bullies became the leaders of the school. Wow. Television and in the newspaper. And they felt like little superstars. So, you know, I just used all my different skills from throughout my life in every career that I’ve had. And you know, they have all kind of meshed together in one way or another.

Amazing. I actually grew up in New Jersey, but I was in Central Jersey in Monmouth county. So sounds like you were something south of me. I wish I had known about all of this stuff. Well, I was in Egg Harbor Township as a therapist and coach and then up in North Jersey, Hackensack, New Jersey as a school psychologist for high school. Because my daughter was with a top performing artist singing and she’s platinum CDs Alexi. And she needed to get into New York for the studio so we had to move so she could do her career.

And that’s where I was working as a therapist and in the schools. Wow. A job then. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah, so this is amazing. You know, I so admire your work and, and learning from your own experiences and how you have been able to not only touch on. Because usually people are just just children or just couples or just addiction. The fact that you bring it all together, it’s critical because you need all of those parts when there’s that kind of trauma. So there’s always something that gets left out. So I love your work. So if someone wants to work with you now, do, do you strictly have one on one work or do you have programs that people can download how does someone work with you? Okay, the most important thing is go to my website, which is my name, Rihanna.com and on there you can do if you’re thinking of you want some individual work done, sign up for the life and love transformation discovery session.

It’s on this super special right now. I spent two hours with you doing the assessments, just four simple assessments. But I get to your childhood trauma story and then we make a blueprint of of what you would need for transformation and change. So most people do decide they want to work with me one on one. Occasionally I’ll have a group program that’s like every other year because I’m really enjoying my personal life with my fiance. Then I do some counseling work. But I’m in Florida so that can only be Florida State people. But coaching I can do globally.

So that’s why, you know, it’s so much easier to work with me globally. And it’s all telehealth health, you know, through the computer. But people feel like they’re sitting right there with me, so that’s the best thing to do. But I have all kinds of free resources there. The four love tests, Childhood trauma, acoa, the Red flags checklist, so you can do those for free. And I have a free ebook, how to have the love you deserve right on the home page. My podcast is Lessons in life and love with coach Rihanna Milne. I have 125 shows and on my YouTube I think I have 350 audios and videos there.

So all kinds of free information to help you get started. But really to do that personal healing work, you need your coach and we get to the bottom of everything. And just look at your whole life wheel, finances, friendships. Are you happy with your life? Do you have purpose, everything? We look at everything and then also help you have emotionally healthy, evolved and conscious love. So that’s amazing. I’m so glad that we connected. This has been a crazy thing, but you are so wise and have so many gifts and I hope people reach out to you.

And thank you so much for being here. I so appreciate you so much for having me, Lisa. I really appreciate and getting to know you. Thanks so much.
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